I’m Yu, I’m 25 and I’m sexually submissive.
Ten years ago I would have said: I’m Yu, I’m 15 and a sick freak, who won’t ever be loved.
It can scare you when you realize you are different, in one way or another, and you have no clue what’s WRONG with you. It sure as hell scared me the shit out of me. And it silenced me for so many years. In so many ways.
I didn’t like to talk about boys with my friends, I didn’t flirt, I didn’t want anyone near me in any romantic way. Later, I broke the few relationships I had. I never really opened up to anyone, especially emotionally. Sometimes I felt lonely and isolated, even with a bunch of great friends, just because I couldn’t even talk about these things that troubled me. …That’s what carefully guarded secrets do to you.
I was so freaking ashamed and frightened by the things I wanted and couldn’t stop thinking about sometimes. And the worst: I didn’t understand it. Why would I want something like that?
I had no name for what I was and I was sure, I was the only one out there, because there couldn’t be another person who would like to be dominated or get hurt. It’s obvious that’s not normal. That’s sick.
When I finally got a name for my ‘problem’, thanks to the internet, it was a big relief. Something I could work with; Imagine my suprise, when I realized, that I was everything but the only one. In fact, there is a whole big community, a subculture dealing with this stuff.
It helped a lot.
However, it got me a bunch of new problems to deal with:
Prejudices. Both, in that community and out side there is extreme prejudice and misunderstanding. They said: You can’t be submissive and strong-willed or proud at the same time. You can’t want someone to dominate and respect you at the same time. You can’t want someone to hit you in the face and care about you at the same time. And you definetly can’t be loved.
Dangerous people; I was young. I was curious. I was stupid as hell. Seriously guys, never do shit that feels wrong with you. There are some serious disturbed assholes out there and they are waiting for you. It’s not about forcing someone, it’s about leading. It’s never about violence, it’s about control. Above all your safety always comes first.
It’s still a taboo; Nothing you can talk about openly. Of course, it’s nobodies business what you do in your bedroom. I wouldn’t tell my mom anything about my sex life, even if I would be just into conventional vanilla relationship. Even though private, society still label you as sick, perverted and degenerate. You are afraid to talk about it to the guy you want to be your boyfriend, because he could think you are a freak. You can’t tell your best friend, because you think she wouldn’t understand and you can’t stand the thought of her watching you with different eyes.
Some months ago I totally broke down, because I had some guy-trouble and couldn’t talk about it to any of my closest friends , because there was no way to explain. I felt so damn lonely.
I ended up yelling at my best friend. I still remember how furious and frustrated I was at this point. Poor girl. I was like: “What’s wrong with you?! Why can’t I tell you? Why won’t you understand? Why do I have to do this all alone?” Well, she didn’t understand where that came from, that’s for sure. But how could she? I never said anything before. She told me, I could tell her everything and I burst out into tears, confessing every little shit. Not only about that guy, just about everything. I stuttered, I cried, I begged her to understand and not to judge.
When I came to the end, she was stunned. Of course she was, I’m the last person you would expect something like this from, especially with all that crying. But… color me surprise; the first she said was a nasty joke about me and some whip. I was so damn grateful, because it was completely in character. That’s just what she is like. What we are like. Nothing had changed.
I’m still not completely comfortable about my sexuality. I’m still afraid what people might be thinking if they knew.
It took me years, and help from some great, great people, to find my place in this world. To understand what I really want, really like, really deserve. To accept what I am, to like who I am. And I refuse to let anyone take that from me.
I’m Yu. I’m 25 and -along with many, many other things- I’m sexually submissive. And that’s fine as hell with me.